Sorry that I've been gone for so long...
Greetings antisteezers. I am sorry that I have been M.I.A. for so long. I would explain my absence but Lou, my wonderful blog partner, AKA my BBF (blog buddy forever), has beat me to the punch and posted my reasons for being blog-absent down there. And there is a poll. Yup, a poll about my love life for you guys to vote on. It’s pretty amusing. So vote right now. I may be embarrassed that my life is out there for the world to vote on, like American Idol, but I’ll be damned if I get apathetic voter turnout! lol
You see, Lou thinks that I should take control of my love life and do something about it. He is on some trip about me living my destiny or some sort of dramatic-ness-ness like that. In fact, we had this long and mighty conversation about it. It felt very daytime talkshow to me which is what led me to today’s fatwareness post and fatcon, Oprah.
And for the record, yes, I think Oprah is the fucking AntiChrist. Laugh now, but when she melts your fucking face off in front of the four horsemen in 2010, you’ll remember this post! lol
#17: Oprah
Oprah is the AntiChrist...but she is kind of awesome, which is why she is #17.
Oprah inspires a lot of mixed emotions in me. On one hand I love her for her tireless charity work and for being kind of awesome to her audience. I mean, she gave them all new cars, for Christ Sake! She gifts them amazing things all the time. She sends them out in to the world to do great things for the poor, sick and needy. (I am very into charity work and think that the more you do for others, the more comes back to you. And for the record, I was into charity LONG before Oprah came and made do-gooding popular. But enough about my Oprah hating.) On the other hand, I kind of despise Oprah. (Well, so much for not hating on her.) Oprah’s hypocrisy irks me in a big way. She is CONSTANTLY weeping and bitching and moaning about being fat. CONSTANTLY and she does it on National television! She moans about how she is out of shape or how she gained 30 pounds and all I can say is, “Bitch! You’re motherfucking Oprah! Get some surgery, hire a $4,000 and hour trainer and get over it! Stop making the rest of us feel bad for you, billionaire-most-popular-woman-in-America Bitch!” Fuck Oprah gets on my nerves.
The one reason Oprah is for certain a hero to the Fatties...The Color Purple.
Another reason for my Oprah hating is that she is so image paranoid, claiming that she is fat and always talking about working on herself and her MAIN AUDIENCE IS FUCKING OBESE!! lol Who watches Oprah? Not the skinnies who are busy doing 399939 crunches at the gym, I will tell you that. Nope. It’s the fat, fatter-than-just-fat housewives who have about 50 pounds of extra lard on them from having babies and eating their feelings. Not that I hate on those women, but I hate that they have to be validated by Oprah to feel better about themselves. It’s kind of offensive. And then she hires that epic-acious douchebag of a motherfucker, Dr. Phil, to abuse the fatties, too! And they eat it up like free doughnuts from the Dunkin’ on election day. Ugh. Fuck you, Oprah. You are Satan.
By now you are wondering why Oprah is on this list, right? I mean, it’s obvious that I have a load of disdain that I want to unleash on her smug mug. Well, that can be summed up by three words: The Color Purple.
When Oprah played her version of Sofia, she won my heart forever. Her performance was so amazing that it practically undoes all of her antichrist behavior. If you have never seen this movie, you need to. It is amazing.
And that’s really all I have to say about Oprah. I mean, I could go on and on, but she is Oprah. She gets enough press already. And between you and me, I think she looks better fat. lol
Congrats, Oprah. This is probably the lowest you have ever ranked on a list in your life. Don’t be mad you are not #1, Satan.
lol
For now, check out the clip from her flick below.
-goobs
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