Chris Coghlan is a left fielder for the Florida Marlins. We now know he can never be a professional clown after he injured his knee landing, while smashing a pie into the face of teammate and clubhouse grandfather Wes Helms after his game-winning hit a few weeks ago. The celebratory pie in the face during the victory interview is a baseball tradition, but possibly the lamest way to tear ligaments in your knee.

10. When Adam Eaton was a pitcher for the San Diego (Which of course in German means ‘a whale’s vagina’) Padres, he stabbed himself  in the stomach with a paring knife while trying to remove the plastic wrap from a DVD. He ended up needing stitches and missed a game, while sportswriters all over the world ended up with an easy target. Not sure what movie it was, but I’m pretty sure it was a slasher…

9. They say your bad hygiene habits can come back to bite you in the ass. As a rookie for the Red Sox in 1923, Clarence Blethen thought he looked older and meaner if he pitched without his fake teeth in, so he would take them out and stick them in his back pocket. Problem is he forgot to put them back in his mouth when he went up to bat one time. As he slid into second base after a hit…ouch. He bit himself in the ass.

8. Former Phoenix Suns all-star guard and current mayor of Sacramento Kevin Johnson missed the final two games of the ’93 season and a playoff game (loss), after teammate and NBA legend Charles Barkley bear hugged him so hard after Johnson’s game winning shot that he dislocated his shoulder. Guess KJ was more of a high-five type of guy.

7. The king of all food-related injuries, outfielder Kevin Mitchell missed a game after straining a muscle while throwing up. He also once needed a root canal after chipping a tooth biting into a previously frozen doughnut which had hardened after he microwaved it for too long…yes you read that correctly.

I give this countdown 4 and 1/2 out of 5

6. Reason # 349 why I don’t like soccer as much as other sports: In 2004,  midfielder Paulo Diogo assisted on a goal in a Swiss league match. He then celebrated by climbing a fence which was separating the fans. His wedding ring got caught in the fence without him knowing it so that when he jumped off the fence…his finger did not. He ripped off half of his finger permanently. Watch the video here. That was the first time I didn’t think a soccer player was faking an injury. Did he get too excited? Why was he wearing his wedding ring during a game? Why is there a fence anyway, is it a zoo? Reason # 1 for me to start liking soccer a bit more: The referee gave Diogo a penalty for excessive celebration while he was on the floor writhing in pain.

5. Former Marlins infielder Bret Barberie once missed a game after making nachos. He neglected to wash his hands after handling the spicy chili peppers and smeared chili oil in his eye when he went to put his contact lenses in. The saddest part is that was the only hot streak he had all year for the Marlins.

4. In 2008, a drunk Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg while trying to reach for his gun which had fallen from the waistband of his sweatpants while in a popular New York club. To go with losing his season and a huge chunk of change for bail, the NFL wide receiver also caught two felony gun charges. The real crime? He wore sweatpants to the club.

3. Glenallen Hill bloodied his hands and knees and broke a glass table after the arachnophobia suffering outfielder was sleepwalking and trying to escape from spiders. His wife woke him up screaming on the couch. Hill later offered to reporters to come see the house and blood stains if they didn’t believe him. No joke.

2. Before Zenedine Zidane, Gus Frerotte was the king of headbutt infamy. He cemented his bonehead legacy by ramming his head into…well…cement. After running in a touchdown, the quarterback decided to headbutt the thinly padded cement wall in the end zone. He gave himself a concussion which knocked him, and subsequently the Redskins out for the 1997 season. Surprisingly, this idiot move did not make Frerrote the head honcho on my countdown.

1. Forget about just sports, this is one of the dumbest human happenings ever. In 2001 vs the Giants, Arizona kicker Bill Gramatica came in during the 1st half of a regular season game and kicked the Cards up to a 3-0 lead. What happened next was puzzling. Gramatica apparently had just kicked the greatest meaningless field goal for a bad team ever. He inexplicably started jumping up for joy like a crazy person, landed awkwardky and tore his ACL. He had to be carted off of the field, and gave people another reason to not take football kickers seriously. No one knows why this little man was cheering and screaming as if he’d found an Olivia Munn sex tape, but for just that one moment he made me think NFL stood for Nice Fail, Loser.

Here are a few of the dis-honorable mentions that did not make the list or I had no punchline for. I had so many to choose from-