Not all fat people are nice...

Maybe it was the Pillsbury Doughboy and his happy,”Ooh-hoo,” who made this misconception come to be, but I’m here to tell you the harsh, harsh truth…NOT ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE NICE.

They’re not all jolly. They’re not all made of sweetness and sugar. They are not all amusing and boisterous. They are all not rotund because they are hiding barrels of laughter in their gratuitous guts.

The harsh fact is that some large folks are mean and they make it a point to be mean to others. To slice other folks up so that their own insecurities are masked.

And sometimes, even though it’s petty and catty and terrible…

GODDAMN IF IT ISN’T ENTERTAINING.

And no one slings around fat wrath like the portly and pissed-off blogger at #13 on our Fatwareness countdown.

#13: Perez Hilton

The meanest fattie in the land: #13, Perez Hilton.

On any given day, you can go peep Mr. Hilton’s blog and read all sorts of nasty stories about Hollywood’s A, B and C-listers being caught in the most-compromising, embarrassing, soul-shattering situations and being written about in the most scandalizing and exposing ways by Perez. Here is a fattie (sort-of ex-fattie these days) who without remorse or compunction calls these people out on their bullshit and lets them have it. Now, sure…breaking news of scandals and mayhem in Celebrityville happens all the time on entertainment shows, but Perez ups it a bit by drawing all over his victims (Sometimes it’s devil’s horns, sometimes it’s coke coming out of their noses and sometimes, just for posterity, he draws cum globules all over their faces.) and catching them with their pants down, sometimes literally.

He does no research. He does not check his facts. In fact, here is a blogger who really lives by the whole, “If it bleeds, it leads,” sensationalist journalism model. He outs celebrities drug use. He outs their love affairs. He outs them for being closeted gays (Even though he himself is gay and is an avid gay-rights activist.). He outs them for being broke. He outs them when they get fired. He outs them when they get arrested. He even outed Fidel Castro, claiming the Cuban dictator was dead and created a media whirlwind, causing all the Cubans on la Calle Ocho to grab their flags and hit the streets…which of course, turned out to be not true.

Perez Hilton can, by the sheer force of his readership, make or break up-and-comers, too. Here is the man behind Lady Gaga’s success. That’s right. This fat, mean, little gay man told all of us that she was a star. The next Madonna! The next icon of our lifetimes! And we ate it up like sugar cubes to horses. Now look at Mujer Goo-goo…she is everywhere and more famous than Planter’s Peanuts. That takes some kind of doing…the doing of Perez Hilton.

Now why is Perez on our list? All I am telling you is that he is a fat asshole who likes to gossip, right? Yes…that’s right. But here is the reason he is a Fatcon: Perez Hilton made it and he made it while being incredibly fat. Let’s face it people…Hollywood is not kind to the bigs and here was a big taunting the Hollywood machine and taking a little bit of that glitz and glam and bumping it down a peg or two. That’s a rough task to do when you are skinny and fabulous and on an even playing field with these Hollywood types…it’s unheard of when you are a fat, gay man who talks like a little sugarplum fairy. If they could have, these celebrities would have ripped his fat ass to shreds and sent him back under the disco ball from which he crawled. But they couldn’t do it. You know why?

The world loves an underdog. They love it when the little guy, in this case, a huge, fat guy, gets one over on the people on a pedestal. In short, Perez Hiton made it because he is just an average fattie speaking for all the average fatties out there. He became the epic voice of the hater community and we all elevated him to the status of fat overlord because let’s face it, people…we kinda hate the people living the glamourous life that we aren’t.

And hey…there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

I can only hope that one day, Perez Hilton turns his fat wrath on us, here at Antisteez because you ain’t made it until you are being slammed on his pink-paged blog. So here’s a public wish that one day we are ripped a new one by the queen of all media; the fattest bitch in Hollywood.

Sigh…a girl can dream.

Congrats, Perez. You’re #13 and yes, you are a razor-tongued, mean, mean fatcon…and we love you for it.

-Goobs