If you are a 305′er and have been anywhere in the Doral area, especially near the Walmart on NW 87th Avenue and 25th Street, then you have seen her. High, colorful socks, huge pile of bags, and her trademark big, black hat. A lone, dilapidated figure in fancy, if worn, clothing. She is a tragic sort of woman with an air of wilted aristocracy.

Yes…the Duchess of Doral. (Yeah, we named her that. It’s fitting.)

For years, people have driven past her while she sits regally, waiting for her transportation. (She rides the bus around town.) Or they have recently taken to snapping shots of her while she shops and reads the paper at the McDonalds kiosk, located inside the Doral Walmart. (Mostly trying to get her on PeopleofWalmart.com…which she has been on a grand total of three times! 1, 2, 3 times!)

But nobody really knows anything about this woman, in her wild outfits and garish lipstick…until now.

Because one fine day on a recon mission, me (Goobs! Yay!) and my antisteez cohort, Helen, bumped into the duchess and actually got to sit down and chat with her. What transpired was the stuff of legend. All recorded on Helen’s iPhone (Which is why the recording is soooooo bad, but soooooo good at the same time. lol) while we sat at McDonalds.

To say that this woman is batshit crazy, is an understatement. She proceeded to tell me that she was a trillionaire. That’s right…trillions. She told me that she has mansions in Palm Beach and Europe and all over the United States. She rambled on about war crimes and sticking my nose where it didn’t belong and then told me that she has only slept in a bed for 13 nights since October of 2000. She touched base on Nader and on the earthquake in Haiti, too.

I am not sure why, but I kind of felt that she started talking current events to test my intelligence. You know…to feel me out and make sure that I wasn’t some ignorant hillbilly. (Which I am sure she bumps into all the time at Walmart! lol) Once I started chatting with her, she made it very clear that she didn’t want to talk to me and that she was leaving….then she rambled on to me for 30 minutes. In fact, I think she was sad to see me go. It must be hard to be a trillionaire…so starved for good conversation.

Because the Duchess is smart. She is not your average, run-of-the-mill dumb bum. Oh, no. She is full of all sorts of knowledge and conspiracy theories. She claims that people are looking for her. That she is on the run from those who would steal her money and take her many mansions from her. And I won’t lie, with her level of sharpness and her decent vocabulary…I kind of want to believe that YES, she is rich , that yes…she is a trillionaire. TRILLIONS, son! (And that maybe she adopts me. lol)

Peep the audio of my interview with the Duchess of Doral below and prepare yourself…you’re gonna be confused. You’re gonna say, “This lady’s batshit crazy!” and you are going to wonder why this lady doesn’t have her own TV show. lol

Never again wonder who that crazy, big-hat bag lady is standing on the corner waiting for a limo that will never come.

Duchess of Doral mystery is SOLVED.

Goddamn! I feel like Sherlock Holmes!

-goobs