There are a few things that I learned from this year’s NFL Draft.
First, the Miami Dolphins’ best draft pick this year was Brandon Marshall.
Before you say, “Hey dumbass, he’s not a rookie. We acquired him from the Broncos in a mugging…I mean a trade.”
No shit…the Dolphins gave up a second round pick in the draft for the guy, so he’s the cat’s meow of this year’s Marc Anthony/J-Lo draft party. (Jesus it pains me that these people are owners of our once proud franchise and actually may have some input on the team’s player personnel.) Anyway, I digress…our first round choice was actually a defensive tackle out of Penn State by the name of Jared Odrick. Typical Bill Parcells move; Trade down and go with the best talent available. I actually think that our second round pick, linebacker Koa Misi (AKA a Samoan badass!) from Utah will have more of an impact this year.
Sure, Tim Tebow will sell a shitload of jerseys and tickets for the Broncos…but will he do anything besides hold the shit out of that clipboard? Ã‚Â I’ll be the first to say I can’t stand the Gay-tors. For me though, Tim Tebow is a tough guy to hate. It doesn’t even bother me that he’s a bible thumping virgin that circumcises Filipino babies in his spare time. I just can’t bash this pick and will honestly be surprised if he’s a bust. He’s going to kill himself to prove all of his haters wrong. Ã‚Â Too bad he won’t have that number-one target, Brandon Marshall playing in Denver anymore..he plays for another team now. Ha-ha.
So yeah, back to the draft and on to Denver Broncos’ coach..awesome plan, buddy. Let’s just trade away the Broncos’ Pro Bowl Quarterback, Jay Cutler, Pro Bowl receiver, Brandon Marshall, and star tight end, Tony SchefflerÃ¢â‚¬Â¦for three rookies! Denver started last season on a roll going 6-2 but ended on a slide finishing 8-8. Ã‚Â I’ll be surprised if after this year’s draft theme of “Out-with-the-old-and-in-with-the-nameless,” they win five games next year. Good luck, losers!
And this year’s draft was conducted (Obviously!) past somebody’s bedtime. It was actually the first-ever Prime Time NFL Draft…which made it tough on the elderly. They were sleepy and couldn’t keep up during the late hours of the night. Naturally, this explains why Oakland Raiders owner, Al “The Crypt Keeper” Davis chose linebacker Rolando McClain from the University of Alabama. This was one of the sorry-ass Raiders’ few team strengths. McClain was the first inside linebacker chosen in the top eight in the last 15 years and is the only one of the team’s seven picks that I’ve ever heard of. The Crypt Keeper has been pathetic when it comes to the draft, free agency and pretty much anything having to do with football since he reached the ripe old age of 147. (Seriously…it must suck to be a Raiders’ fan. They will NEVER win a Super Bowl while this guy roams the sidelines and makes key decisions. It’s almost sad. Fuck it…GO DOLPHINS!)
And how about them Dolphins, eh?
Let’s talk about how the guy that runs our team is a douchebag. Why? Maybe because during a pre-draft interview at superstar Oklahoma State receiver, Dez Bryant’s home, our very own Miami Dolphins General Manager, Jeff Ireland, asked Bryant if his mother was a…what?
(Wait for it. Wait for it…)
“They asked me if my momÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a prostitute,” Bryant told Yahoo.com. “No, my mom is not a prostitute. I got madÃ¢â‚¬â€œreally madÃ¢â‚¬â€œbut I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t show it. I got a lot of questions like that. ‘Does she still do drugs?’ I sat and answered all of them.”
According to Yahoo.com, BryantÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s mother, Angela, had him when she was 15-years-old and conceived his younger sister and brother within the next three years. She reportedly sold drugs and served a prison term while Bryant was a child. So, yes…Dez Bryant has had a rocky upbringing. But, does that mean his mom’s a hooker?!
Perhaps Mr. Ireland was simply looking for some sort of discount action? Nobody knows for sure.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a GINORMOUS Dolphins fan. I actually bleed tealÃ¢â‚¬Â¦but how many times will this dipshit GM we have make some ethical mistake and kick our team’s public relations in the nuts? First, they cut an injured Daunte Culpepper from the team just to have him come back the next season with the Raiders. (Yeah, when they scored five touchdowns against us.) Strike two happened when Miami decided to release fan favorite/future Hall of Famer Zach Thomas without allowing a press conference. Reasons given for such douchebaggery consisted of team management claiming:
“We’re not about individual accomplishments, this is a team concept.”
I totally get that, but a superstar and future Hall of Famer of Zach’s calibur only comes around once every decade or so. Take the Jets, for example. I doubt they have ever had any players of that caliber on their team in their history. Strike three went down recently when Ireland and Dolphins Czar, Bill Parcells decided to ignore Jason Taylor’s phone calls, only to have him sign with our most-bitter rivals, the New York Jets.
Is anyone else starting to notice a trend here? What player in his right mind, looking at Miami as a free agent destination, would want to play for these guys?Ã‚Â There’s a thing called TACT.Ã‚Â Apparently the Miami Dolphin’s management has never heard of it. But since I am a good guy, I will give them some pointers.
Hey, Mr. Ireland! The next time you’re sitting in some kid’s living room who’s been dealt a tough hand for the better part of his life, be a little more sensitive to the situation. Perhaps exercised a little thing called TACT. Instead of asking a potential player if his mom charged men to put it in her end zone, you might have said something like,
“Hi, there, Dez. While you were growing up, were there a lot of strange people around?”
Personally, I think that the Dolphins should’ve drafted Dez Bryant for the mere fact that he didn’t choke the shit out of our team’s GM right there. I wonder what some of his other questions were? Perhaps:
“Which one of your mom’s customers do you call dad?”
“Is Dez short for ‘DEEZ NUTZ’?”
“Do you agree that anything goes when it comes to hoes?”
Or perhaps this winner:
“My last name is Ireland, why isn’t yours Rwanda?”
Thanks a lot, Jeffy.
And those were the highlights of our 2010 NFL Draft. Stay classy, Miami.